Just a little treat for you! Haha!
So I have been promising another post on this whole baby topic... guess today is the day to share. I have already mentioned on here that I believe this is the weirdest phase of my life. So here is where my head is right now:
- First let me say I am not pregnant. Now you dont have to wonder.
- I am having a growing desire to be pregnant. I totally idealize it though, and from what all the preggo people I have ever known tell me, I am sure I am in for a rude awakening. But I think pregnant women are cute. And I love the bump. And most days I want to have a bump... one because of a human not food! Haha!
- That being said I still have plenty of days where I am totally content with the phase we are in (just the 2 of us). I have not reached that "I am brokenhearted over not having a child" phase yet, and from the people I know who have experienced that pain first hand I am thanking the Lord that I am not there yet. I know some women who have gone through some dark and sad times because of infertility etc, so I am not saying that lightly at all.
- I do find myself fearing that I am not able to have kids. I guess you could label us "trying", because we arent "not trying". So then the question is always in the back of my head, what if I am one of those people who cant have kids. It still baffles me because for so long that thought never comes into your head- we assume we would be a baby making machines and spend our time worrying about how to prevent that. This is a whole new thought world for me. I mean how long do you "try" before you decide you cant? I am not saying I cant have babies, again we havent overly tried. We are just letting God do his thing...
- It is soooo hard to just trust God's timing when it is your body that is directly related to it.
- I mostly want to have a child right now, although that thought scares me. But I am trying desperately to just enjoy the phase God has me in. I always teach my girls that we spend so much of our lives wishing we were in the next stage, and then looking back and wishing we had enjoyed the last stage more. I want to just enjoy the unique time I am in. Mr.Pate and I have freedom to invest in our youth group, to focus on one another and to focus on our individual interests. I know that children change all of those things.
- I want to just be completely content with whatever plan the Lord has for me, whether that is having a kid tomorrow, adopting 5 kids next year or spending our whole lives investing in other people's kids and never having any to call our own. But discerning the Lord's will is not an easy task. And waiting for His prompting is a daily battle.
- Especially when you feel like everyone else is moving to a different stage. Because then the worrying questions come: is my body broken? are we being selfish? did we miss his plan for us? etc etc etc.
"Be still, and know that I am God" Ps. 46:10