joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart

I have written this blog post over and over in my head this year. I have not written very many "intraspective" posts this last year, and with good reason. It has been a hard year. A really really hard year. One where I am pretty sure I struggled a short bout with depression. There I said it, to someone other than Mr.Pate.

This year has been soooo filled with blessings and joy in many ways. I love my son with every fiber in my being. It truly is a love you cannot explain. Watching him grow and change and discover the world around him is beautiful and funny and crazy. I would not change having him here for a second.

But it has also been a year filled with struggles. Inner thought struggles. Not feeling like myself. Not being able to figure out how to balance being me and being mom and being wife and yada yada yada. I have felt like a fish out of water most of the time. Just disconnected.

And it was strange, because its not like I walked around everyday feeling miserable. I haven't even been really aware of it most of the time, its more like a subconscious kind of struggle. But I ran across this explanation recently and felt like it explained much of my struggle this past year:

I lived for years seeking happiness but was without joy. I kept thinking if I could get this or that or change this or get rid of that then I would be happy. I realized, by the grace of God, that chasing happiness was lesson in futility. Happiness seemed to be based on life's circumstances while joy was based more on the heart. (Rachel from finding joy)

I have lived everyday this past year thinking "if I could just not work, then we wouldn't be stressed" or "if I could just get this organized I wouldn't feel so busy" or "if I just buy this life would be easier"... if... if...if....

The truth of the matter is life is chaotic. It doesnt look like a beautiful picture off of pinterest. Houses are lived in and messy. Schedules are hard to juggle and hurried. Sleep is often hard to come by. There are never enough hours in the day or days in the week. This is the truth for the working mom, the stay at home mom, and the wish I was a mom. We always want more, because we are always looking for more in the wrong places.

Only the Lord gives us more. He alone is enough. Not that He is just enough, but He is the only thing that IS enough. Life's circumstances often suck. We live in a fallen world and there is usually more bad than good. It will be that way until we are free of this place and in our new heaven and new earth. A place where "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (rev 21:4). So I have to learn to seek Joy... a fruit of the Spirit... which means I have got to pursue the Lord! 

My biggest problem this past year has not been juggling work and a baby or learning how to live on less sleep... it's that I have been relying woefully on myself and not prioritizing time with the Lord. (The very thing I preach to my youth every freakin week!). 

this past week I have been in the Word more than  I have in a long time. And its amazing how much more alive I feel! (Well emotionally that is- I actually have a head cold attacking me physically! haha). 


its time to pursue joy. join me wont you?