This is not the news I thought I would be sharing here this week. In fact, I really thought I would be sharing this video with the world instead:
If that doesn't make you smile I don't know what would. How cute is his excitement?!!
But when I walked into my Dr appointment Monday morning, plans changed. They couldn't find the heartbeat. It's early I thought, not that big of a deal. My dr wanted to do an ultrasound just to be safe. We tried the abdominal one, but she said we needed to switch to vaginal for a better look... When she came back in she had Dr Gass with her. "He just wants to get a look too..." She said. I think I knew as soon as he walked in. I watched their faces and I knew...
The hardest part of this? When we found out we were pregnant with baby number three I begged God for it to be a false positive. "Lord, I am not cut out for three kids... Grady needs to be older... How will we afford them..." The doubts filled my mind and many tears were shed, For many weeks. Mr.Pate was excited. He trusted that God knew what He was doing and jumped on board. I took much longer.
In fact, I didn't get fully onboard until we told Griffin and got the above video filled with excitement. His excitement over this new sister (we did the blood test and found out we were expecting a girl!) never wore out- he was seriously so so excited. And it was what my soul needed to see the Lords plan and jump on board. Seeing Griffin be a big brother has been one of the greatest joys of my life, and now I would get to see it as a protective big brother to a sister.
I stopped crying every time I thought about the baby and started daydreaming about names. Would I get another red head or a blondie like her oldest brother? I was all in...
Then Monday happened. And not only did my heart break, but I came home to see Mr.Pate and Griffin's hearts breaking too.... Words can't describe it.
It's now Thursday and we are no longer crying all day. Life does have to move forward. Grady Pate has no understanding of any of this and continues to play and be hilarious. Griffin has rebounded and had moments of pure joy, though he is still mentioning it and having moments of sadness. We are living, because there is no other choice. The emotions come and go.... And I am expecting it will be this way for awhile.
We are being well loved, prayed for and cared for by family, close friends, and even from distant facebook friends. His grace abounds.
How I am changes moment by moment. But I couldn't not share this video with the world, even if it was intended to tell the world a message that is no longer happening for the Pate family. I will forever watch this video to remember the joy this baby brought to our lives, if only for a moment.
"He giveth and giveth and giveth again."
(A friend sent this to me, may it encourage you also)
Baby girl (who resembles an alien here) at 10 weeks...
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