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Showing posts with label pondering about the Lord. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pondering about the Lord. Show all posts

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Dependent Prayer

My pastor started a series on Kingdom Prayer today. One of the comments he made was that

"if we struggle to pray, it is because we feel self-sufficient and self-made".

Ouch. And yet I believe for me this is an issue. I struggle in prayer. I do. And this is probably a big reason why. I rely so much on myself. And it is only when I fall (happens often) that I get desperate and really do some soul prayer.

Today I am striving to not strive on my own. To rely on Him and not on my broken self.




Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Abide

From My Utmost for His Highest today:

"The Spirit of Jesus is put into me by the atonement, then I have to construct with patience the way of thinking that is exactly in accordance with my Lord. God will not make me think like Jesus, I have to do it myself; I have to bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. "Abide in Me"- in intellectual matters, in money matters, in every one of the matters that make human life what it is."


- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Character vs Rules

My friend Regina had a great post today, and I want to share quote from it:

"I worry that many young parents are a) too adamant about the particulars of their parenting or b) too sure that every decision will set their kids on an unalterable trajectory to heaven or hell. It's like my secretary at church once told me: "Most moms and dads think they are either the best or the worst parents in the world, and both are wrong." Could it be we've made parenting too complicated? Isn't the most important thing not what we do but who we are as parents? They will see our character before they remember our exact rules regarding television or Twinkie."

Taken from Parenting 001.

That last sentence really hits me. That is what I want to daily remember during this journey!


- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You Dont have to do it all...

 My friend Morgan hit the nail right on the head.

http://morgansmommymemoir.blogspot.com/2011/04/survival-mode.html

The Lilypie ticker on the side of my blog tells me I only have  87 days to go in the pregnancy (assuming Griffin comes right on time, ha!). And that fact has been slowly itching away at me. So much to do! So many things to complete and get ready and read and prepare myself for...

But I do not have to do it all....

 

Monday, April 4, 2011

What I needed to Read

I didnt read blogs all weekend... shocking I know. So as I am eating my mid-morning (translate- 10th food choice of the day) salad, I hopped on to check a few. I have over 100 unread- ha!

Anyhow, my friend Natalie is having some guest blogging going on as of late. And todays was just what I needed to hear. The part that struck me:
"When I feel distracted, not ready for the day at hand or just not feeling patient, loving and kind, I’ll ask God to intrude. I’ll ask God to open my heart and eyes so I cannot just see but have sight to see the world around me. To intrude in my life when I am not prepared. To intrude and take control when I don’t ask. To intrude and take me down the path I need to go on, not necessarily want to go on." 
I desperately need the Lord to intrude when I dont ask! I am sooo busy doing my own thing, and I need him to intrude so my life will be about His things, not mine.

Go read the whole post here...

Monday, February 28, 2011

Worry

"Worry is focusing on the what IF instead of the what IS. "

- from Me, Myself, and Lies bible study



Saturday, February 26, 2011

A great day

Today was a great day. Nothing extra special or extraordinary, but just great. What did I do today?

  • Went to the childbirth class at The Medical Center. It was long, but informative. The highlight was wen the teacher made the guys practice pushing... Mr.Pate on the floor trying to reach his knees was hilarious. Loved it. 
  • Spent some time with our friends Lindsay and Matt. They are pregnant too, so its been neat to take the journey with them. They went to the class too, and then we had lunch and chilled. Good times. 
  • Went over to my friend Whit's house and spent some long overdue time with her and her daughter Ellie. I gotta get my practice in now right? Ha! It was a lovely time. 
  • Met with one of my youth for much longer than I thought at Starbucks tonight. We talked about everything under the sun and then some. It was awesome. 
That is a lot of people interaction in one day-Especially for a hermit like me! It is starting to warm up and once again I am coming out of my self-inflicted hibernation that happens every winter. I think the thing that made today great is fellowship. I forget how life-giving good fellowship is! Last weekend I had the same experience with my girlfriends coming in town, and getting to see our families. It is spending time really talking about life with people that brings more joy to my heart than anything! How do I so often forget that and think I am giving myself more rest or energy by staying home all by my lonesome? Silly logic I think. 

One other note from today, I was once again reminded that the Lord so uses me trying to speak Truth into others lives to really speak it to me. I have always said that I never feel closer to the Lord than when I am teaching. This is because He somehow uses whatever I think I am teaching others to really teach the truth to me. It really sinks in when I am teaching. I have no idea if the people I am teaching or investing in get that much from it, but it is so worth doing just for me to "get it". Tonight with my youth was one of those occurrences. As I tried to implant the Word of God in her, I realized I was really implanting it in me. Truths I could say, but needed to really live out. It was good for me, I needed it badly. I think for a lot of people pregnancy is a time when they feel they depend on God the most and feel the closest to Him, but for me it has been a real struggle. Never before have I tried so desperately hard to depend on myself. That is hilarious to say because how in the world can I be depending on myself right now? This time is sooo out of my control and different than anything I have ever experienced. And yet I am trying to prepare for it with my own knowledge, plan and strength instead of the Lords. Only He is in control. 

Well, those are my late night thoughts after a day that has energized me a bunch! I am very wired right now (even though it is almost 12!) because the fellowship of the day has energized me a ton. Ha! Hope you had a great day too. Good night!



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Pattern

One area in my life that I am very weak in is Scripture Memorization. This year I have determined to memorize two verses/passages a month. That doesn't sound like much, but if I am successful then I will have 24 truths hidden in my heart at the end of the year. That's not shabby!

Anyhow, here are the verses I am working on so far:

"We demolish arguements and every pretension that sets itself
up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor 10:5

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

There is a pattern with these verses, can you see it? They all have to do with thoughts, trust, and true desire. I have been struggling in these areas big time. Since I got pregnant I have been relying on me or the worlds wisdom way more than the Lords. And that's pretty ironic because this is the time when I need to rely on him more than ever before! My thoughts have been consumed with baby stuff, money, work, or me me me. I have worried worried worried. Ugh!!

But if I learn these verses deep in my soul, then I will know that the Lord has good plans for me. I can trust that though life may be hard, he always has his best for me. He alone is my portion. This is why I need to committ myself to these verses, because they speak truth to me when I have fed myself lies!!

Just wanted to share one area I am majorly struggling in...

- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The cost

"Nondiscipleship costs abiding peace, a life penetrated throughout by love, faith that sees everything in the light of God's overriding governance for good, hopefulness that stands firm in the most discouraging of circumstances, power to do what is right and withstand the forces of evil. In short, it costs exactly that abundance of life Jesus said he came to bring (John 10:10)."

--Dallas Willard

This is from my devo time this morning. And I think he hits the nail on the head of exactly what I don't want in life. I have really struggled over the last month with consistency in my quiet times and quality. All I wanted to do was sleep! But the things I want most in life?? They are all of those things in that first sentance that nondiscipleship will cost me.

I didn't officially make a single resolution our goal this year. Have a healthy baby basically. Ha! But my one focus, my one goal is to truely be and act like a disciple of Christ. Not merely a person who claims his name, but someone who is passionate about nothing more than knowing her Lord and Savior! If I manage that, this kid will turn out just fine.

In my devo it gives you exercises to do to try an live out the lesson. One of them today was to memorize this sentance about the cost of nondiscipleship and allow yourself to yearn for peace, love, faith, hopefulness, power, and abundance of life. I could use all of those in my everyday life, how about you?


- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sister Act

(About to head into the ceremony and having no idea what to expect!)

I mentioned recently that a good friend of mine is a nun. Crazy I know. Let's start from the beginning.

Fall 2001. Kristen and I start our Freshmen year of college at WKU. We moved into the 4th floor of Bemis (Heeeyyy) and met our RA, Kathy. Kathy was definitely quirky and quickly became a good friend of ours. We soon learned she was Catholic, and a very active Catholic. She was highly considering becoming a nun one day. We became friends with Duke (her last name at the time, but what I still call her to this day), who lived on the 2nd floor and the four of us began to hangout.

Spring 2002-Spring 2005. Throughout our years at WKU, Kathy became a dear friend. She and Duke eventually became roommates, and our senior year all four of us got an apartment together. During these years, Kathy visited a few different "convents" or "orders" (places where nuns where). She would also meet with the nun who worked/lived (do you call it work?) at the Catholic Newman center on campus. Kathy also got pretty involved at the BSU with us. We began affectionately calling her "Kathy the Catholic". Duke, Kathy and I were in bible study together Sophomore, Junior and Senior year. We grew very close and would challenge each other Spiritually daily.

Summer 2005- present day. Kathy joined a group called "Net Teams" after we all graduated. It was a traveling team of Catholics that went to different catholic churches and did youth retreats. She loved it and worked for the group for like 2 years maybe? Then she decided she was going to do what she had always said and become a nun. She "entered" into Saint Cecil which is in Nashville, not very far from where Duke lives. And so began the process of actually becoming a real nun. She spent 2 years as a "postulant" and a "novice", which meant she was learning about the life of a nun and deciding if this was for her or not. She had limited contact with the outside world really. She could write letters, and I think she saw her family once or twice maybe. Then this August, she took her first profession of vows. She basically committed to three years, then she can renew for another two years. She can decided anytime during these 5 years that this is not for her and leave still in good standing with the Catholic church.  At the end of those 5 years, she takes her final vows and is officially a lifelong nun.  After that, if she decides to leave then she is kicked out of the Catholic church.
(Right after the mass ended with our new nun friend!)

So in a way, Kathy becoming a nun was not a shock or surprise, we had several years preparation for it. But somehow it just seemed so surreal and like "is this really happening?" to me. Several of us from college decided to go to her profession of vows- I mean this might be the last time we get to see her!

Let me tell you, I was expecting it to be very small and not that many people there... I mean do that many people really become nuns? Well apparently so. There were like 200 nuns there! And tons of people! It was a full mass and there was lots of randomness in the actual ceremony, but I wont bore you with it. The whole time I just sat there recalling memories of Kathy Webb. You know how on TV shows they do flashback scenes with sappy music? Thats what was going on in my head. Kathy is one of the funniest people I know. She is also one of the most random. She loved SNL, and I loved watching her re-enact her favorite skits. We once watched 2 of the Lord of the Rings movies extended editions in one night, and had a blast doing it. She was spastic. I love her!

The whole idea of being a nun confuses me. For awhile I was so against her doing this. I saw it as getting out of the world and hiding, when I feel like Scripture clearly teaches us to be in the world sharing the gospel. The more I reflect on it, the more I am not necessarily against it, because they do serve the community and share with people (well some orders do). But there are still some questions I have about it I guess. They leave their family and friends, which I know there are scriptures where Christ says we need to be willing to leave our families for him, but there are also scriptures that teach how important of a ministry the family is. My mind is just still swirling with questions about it all.

We got to actually talk to Kathy for a little while after the ceremony. The odd thing was, she was still good ol Kathy Webb with her witty humor and randomness. It didnt feel like I was talking to a nun. I wish I could articulate it better, but I am at a loss of words for it.

And that, my friends, is some of my thoughts on my friend Kathy becoming a nun.
P.S. Her actual nun name now is "Sister Cora Marie Webb"

Do any of you know any nuns?? Any of you who where there have insightful things to add??
(Being all worldly before and having some Starbucks)


Saturday, September 4, 2010

Baby, baby, baby ohhh.... babytalk



Just a little treat for you! Haha!

So I have been promising another post on this whole baby topic... guess today is the day to share. I have already mentioned on here that I believe this is the weirdest phase of my life. So here is where my head is right now:

  • First let me say I am not pregnant. Now you dont have to wonder. 
  • I am having a growing desire to be pregnant. I totally idealize it though, and from what all the preggo people I have ever known tell me, I am sure I am in for a rude awakening. But I think pregnant women are cute. And I love the bump. And most days I want to have a bump... one because of a human not food! Haha! 
  • That being said I still have plenty of days where I am totally content with the phase we are in (just the 2 of us). I have not reached that "I am brokenhearted over not having a child" phase yet, and from the people I know who have experienced that pain first hand I am thanking the Lord that I am not there yet. I know some women who have gone through some dark and sad times because of infertility etc, so I am not saying that lightly at all. 
  • I do find myself fearing that I am not able to have kids. I guess you could label us "trying", because we arent "not trying". So then the question is always in the back of my head, what if I am one of those people who cant have kids. It still baffles me because for so long that thought never comes into your head- we assume we would be a baby making machines and spend our time worrying about how to prevent that. This is a whole new thought world for me. I mean how long do you "try" before you decide you cant? I am not saying I cant have babies, again we havent overly tried. We are just letting God do his thing... 
  • It is soooo hard to just trust God's timing when it is your body that is directly related to it. 
  • I mostly want to have a child right now, although that thought scares me. But I am trying desperately to just enjoy the phase God has me in. I always teach my girls that we spend so much of our lives wishing we were in the next stage, and then looking back and wishing we had enjoyed the last stage more. I want to just enjoy the unique time I am in. Mr.Pate and I have freedom to invest in our youth group, to focus on one another and to focus on our individual interests. I know that children change all of those things.
  •  I want to just be completely content with whatever plan the Lord has for me, whether that is having a kid tomorrow, adopting 5 kids next year or spending our whole lives investing in other people's kids and never having any to call our own. But discerning the Lord's will is not an easy task. And waiting for His prompting is a daily battle. 
  • Especially when you feel like everyone else is moving to a different stage. Because then the worrying questions come: is my body broken? are we being selfish? did we miss his plan for us? etc etc etc. 
"Be still, and know that I am God" Ps. 46:10







Friday, August 6, 2010

Nutshell

Sorry I have turned into such a  bad blogger this summer. I just can't seem to find/make the time to update you on my life. So for those that are afar and this is all you get of me- my apologies! Anyhow here is me:
  • I have been spending my weekends mainly with my Youth girls, family, and friends. Now that our summer break is coming to an end I can look back and say I really have tried to cram as much into as I possibly could! And I am exhausted but happy.
  • This summer has been such a fruitful time with our youth girls. (I say girls because we dont have many boys, and the ones we do are MIA in the summer. Sad times.) I have had quality time with each and every one of my girls, and they are all sooo night and day different! But I am beyond humbled at the fact that they see me as a guide and a person they can confide in. When I was their age and looking into my future, I would never have dreamed this is where I would be. With a past like mine I sooo dont deserve to teach anyone anything about the Lord or living a life to spread His name, at least thats what my worldly brain thinks. But the Lord uses the foolish things of this world... and I am soo in that category. We have spent the summer at camp, in bible study, hanging out at amusement parks or water parks, at my house, at Dustin's house, at VBS and in our youth house. And every bit of it has been a huge blessing to my soul. 
  • All that being said, I always hate when they go back to school. This summer I got them to myself- not very many distractions. Now they have homework and friends and all kinds of distractions. Please pray for focus and continued unity. 
  • This summer I have seen some of my closest friends more than I typically do in a year. The only bff I havent laid eyes on this summer is Kris (Miss you!!). I have had short visits, day trips, showers, and one on ones with some of my most loved girlfriends. It has been amazing. Amazing. 
  • I wish I could say i have had tons of family time, but thats not the case. I have had some great moments with my and mr.pate's family, though, and its been much needed. My fabulous nieces spent a few days with us. And I have seen my family in lots of quick and short visits- which is better than nothing! We had a great 4th of July in Louisville with Mr.Pate's family and it was one of those almost perfect laid back days. It is hard to believe that Mr.Pate's Grandma passed away only 3 short months ago. 
  • And Sheldon (the twins little brother) is here for the week now. He goes to college in only 2 weeks!!! Ahh!! I am loving our time with him right now. Loving it. 
  • And I have not done a great job of losing any wieght this summer- in fact I have gained and lost the same 2 lbs all summer. But I havent really been trying either. I am just trying to be healthy but also enjoy myself. And often that includes somekind of chocolate... haha! 
  • Some random things about me from this summer: I have totally fallen back in love with Food Network and Top Chef and watching people cook. In college I was obsessed but then I just kinda got tired of it. I have totally done a sucky job of taking care of my house this summer, it is always a mess. I hate grocery shopping and havent really wanted to cook much (hence the lack of MPM posts). I havent read much except I am doing the 90-Day right now and that takes all of my energy (oh Leviticus!). And I was thinking of growing my hair back out, but decided against it so i am going to get it cut tomorrow maybe?? 
Thats me in a very big and long nutshell! Ha!



Sunday, August 1, 2010

hungry

Hungry I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life

So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for
......…....................................................

We sang this song this morning at church, and it brought back alot of memories for me. This was a popular worship song the summer after I graduated high school. It was a rough summer for me, I had lost a great friend in a tragic gun accident that had scarred me pretty bad. I was also getting ready to leave all the familar and head off to college, a pretty intimidating thing for sure! But despite all the craziness that summer, it was a huge summer of Spiritual growth for me. I remember being in the middle of a field in Guadalajara, Mexico and singing this with all my heart...I meant every word as much as I absolutely could. I also remember being in the middle of the large room at fbc on a wednesday night singing it just as passionately.

And today, nine years later, I stood in my little old church and sang the same simple but powerful words. It amazes me that God has been this faithful to me. I made so many mistakes and detours along the way, I was tainted and stained with sinfulness, but God still chose to keep me in His arms. He has restored my life sooo many times when I have run to Him broken. He has satisfied when I was beyond empty.

It's almost comical to me to look at who I was and the mistakes I made and then look at how God has blessed me with a godly man and amazing girls to minister to. Really??

... Jesus you're all this heart is living for...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Are you up for the challenge?

As I was catching up on the Bookin it in 2010 challenge, Jessica at Life as Mom shared about a challenge she was doing to read the bible in 90 days.... 90 DAYS. Thats basically three months. The entire bible in three months. Wow!

A year or two ago I read the bible in a year with my college church home, and that was a great exeperience. We read it chronologically, which was really helpful to piece things together. But a year is a long time... 365 days to be exact. And I am not sure about you, but I struggle to remember things I read a year ago.

So I stumbled upon this challenge of reading the bible in 90 days and thought, what a good way to get the full picture without forgeting half of it bc it's been so long.

Maybe I am crazy but I decided to go for it.... and I am hoping some of you will come along for the ride. I know I will need someone to keep me going around day 13, so I welcome some accountability! You can find the Reading plan here, and so far the reading is taking me 30-45 minutes total (some of which I have done all at once and some of which I did throughout the day).

What do you say, anybody up for the challenge??








Saturday, July 10, 2010

oddity


I left off the last post saying that I find the question "when are you going to have kids?" odd. Why?

  1. Its the only time when people are socially allowed to ask about your sex life without it being considered awkward or crude. (For the record, I dont really mind talking about sex, I think its a great and natural thing. But typically its not ok to talk about sex openly in casual convo)
  2. I think it is the oddest thing ever the way we "plan" our families. We even have centers with the title "family planning". We decide when we will have children, how many we will have, if we will keep them once they are conceived, etc. I am not trying to judge people that have in mind how many children they want, because really thats a learned behavior from our society at large (the sociologist in me is bursting out! haha). Thats not an evil thing. But it strikes me as odd. I have had this type of thinking before too- but it is funny to me that I would not plan what job I would have without the Lord's guidance but I did come up with a random number of how many children I thought was ok for my family. It is just a strange custom we have created here. 
  3. The Lord and I have been talking alot about how much I trust Him. I think this is one area where I have failed miserably to trust Him in some ways, and I am totally lost on how to show I trust Him in other ways. Is it not leaving it "in the Lord's hands" if you count days for fertility? The Lord did set this whole creating-a-human-thing up on a system- there is a cycle and certain times that the body can conceive etc. So is it trusting Him to try and count and be intentional with the days etc, or is that trying to manipulate and bring about your own desire? I remember being in college and having to learn that I needed to let God direct my love life- not manipulate situations and try to "put myself out there" so to speak. That was hard for me- I had been manipulating situations since I was in Kindergarten. So where does that principle fit in with the having a kid process?? 
  4. I realize that some or many of you may be reading this and thinking "just let it happen and quit over thinking this thing girl, people have babies everyday." But this new phase of life where I actually think of having kids is a strange thing, and it makes me realize more than ever that I really was trusting my own plan in the past. Over the last 4 & 1/2 years, I never wondered if I was pregnant (maybe there was a month or two where the question arose for a day or so). That shows me that I really wasnt believing what I was saying ("whatever the Lord wants for my family"). Now that we quit all forms of "preventing" I realize that we really are open to whatever the Lord has for us- and that is freakin scary! 
  5. Note: I am really not at all saying that if you are preventing in any way that you are not open to what the Lord has planned for you. This is not a legalistic thing and it is not a command straight from the Word. I am sharing the journey of my heart on this issue- please do not feel judged for whatever your situation is bc I am in no place whatsoever to judge in any department and I am just not about making others feel bad for something. The Lord knows that we Christians through out judgement way to much on kid issues: staying at home or working, breast feeding or formula, cloth or disposable, crying it out or soothing, blah blah blah. Just seek the Lord and do your freakin best, forget our stupid standards. Ok sorry for the soapbox, but the last thing I want is for someone to read this and walk away feeling judged or condemned. ; ) 
  6. So the main reason I find the question "When are you going to have kids?" so odd is because I have no clue how to answer! There are so many issues and thoughts going on inside my head about this subject, and I think that shows through when I try to answer the simple question. But I suppose I am odd in all kinds of ways, so maybe people are used to it?? Haha! 
Ok, so now that I have gone on and on about the having kids topic (did you get bored- do you hate me know?) its your turn to talk to me: 

Have any of you had these thoughts? 
What is your stance on this stuff? 
Any wisdom or advice to share from those who have been here before?? 


Sunday, July 4, 2010

cause when your 15....


When most girls are young it just seems natural that you will grow up and have babies. We play with dolls, we spend lots of time with our mommies, we learn how to babysit, etc. We are geared for it. But at some point that idea becomes a bit more real. We get to the age where we are capable of having children, and suddenly the thoughts are more about the dangers of sex as a teen and "ruining" your future by getting pregnant too early (Disclaimer, I am not pro- teenage pregnancy). Then you come to the age where you could have a child and it wouldnt be life ending, but all of the sudden you are thinking about your future job etc. and children seem like something of the future. 

When I first got married I felt so unprepared to be a parent. I was still trying to learn all about this whole "being a wife" thing and I felt sooo young. I had plenty of time to have children, right?? 

We made the decision to use birth control, which is the normal for young married couples in America.  I kept telling myself that I trusted God's timing and control- if He wanted me to get pregnant then it wouldnt matter if I was on birth control or not. Somewhere along the last 4 & 1/2 years, I have really questioned this decision for me. While some people might whole-heartedly believe the sentence above, I think I wanted to be in control of my life and thats why I was taking it (This is not a post on if it is right or wrong to take birth control- I mean I took it for 4 years people, this is just about my journey). 

Something about marriage makes me feel super young and super old at the same time. I still feel like we are young and have plenty of time to have kids. But I am 27 (I realize thats not old people), which means that if I were to get pregnant today, I would be 41 when my kid became a teenager. I was graduating high school when my mom was 41. So when I look at it that way, I feel like we dont have all the time in the world. Time is a strange concept to grasp really. 

Over the years I have had all kinds of thoughts and emotions about kids: fear, anxiety, excitement, the desire to have a kid, the desire to still have my own life, will we be able to afford a kid, will I work, will my maternal gene kick in, am I cut out for this, etc etc. The thoughts that come along with kids are overwhelming really. 

Then I got "sick" so to speak. Once we found out I had thyroid cancer, I had an "out" on the kid thing for at least a year. I had to have a radioactive iodine treatment, and radioactive material and fetuses dont mix well. No one asked me if I was going to have a child during that year, it was as if they knew. Then there was the business of getting my hormones regulated and figuring out that I was insulin resistant. I got pretty plump and was exhausted and needed to get my body in check badly. Praise be to God- that has happened by His grace! 

And so here I am, after a 3 year health journey, back to my "normal". And I have found myself pondering the child question alot. This is the first year of my life where people have asked me when I was going to have a child. To me it is an odd question for several reasons... which will be the next post I suppose. 


Saturday, July 3, 2010

the great divide


I am 27. I am married. I own a home (well I pay the state of KY who really owns it, but in a manner of speaking I own it). I have a dog. I have a cat. I am pretty healthy. I have a great job with good benefits.  What do all these facts show you? That the next step in life for me is to have children. 

Thats the way it typically works here in the good ol US of A. We plan our lives out. We have certain stages people are supposed to go through. (Please note, I realize this is not everyone, by this is a social norm in our society as a whole) Once you are married, have a house and are steady in your job then it is time for you to have children. Thats how it works.

Some people even judge those that have children out of order. "You are having a kid 6 months into marriage? That is going to ruin your marriage, dont you know that?" or "They should have waited till they were more financially stable before they started having children." We love to play judge in this society. And so when people have children too early, we treat the act as wrong. We act as if children are a horrid thing. 

What about the couples that wait a long while to have kids? We treat them like they are selfish. "Life really shouldnt be all about you" or "They are chasing after their career and missing out on what matters." Again, that may be totally true of some people, but on average our society judges them before they even know their situation just because they have not followed the appropriate timeline. 

Having children is a topic that surrounds me today. Thats the stage of life I am in. Majority of the people my age have married (or found the person they are sticking with), settled into jobs, and bought homes. We are all supposed to be on step 4- kids. As I have mentioned before, I know a million people having babies or who have newborn babies. Every time I turn around there is another one, seriously. 

There is a great divide. You are either on the "i have kids side- or I am trying real hard at least" or the "no kids side". 

And I am not annoyed by this, I love children. Right now I have two beautiful girls sleeping soundly in the next room (My nieces are staying for the weekend), they are a joy. I enjoy hearing all about pregnancy, in fact I have a strange little obsession with preggo ladies. They are the cutest! My husband is basically a "child whisper", they flock to him. We are pro kiddos in the Pate house. 

But we dont have any kiddos in the Pate house. 

We are not against having kids, but also are not counting days and trying every "trick" out there to help the process. We are a happily married couple doing things that happily married couples do smiley-wink.gif! So when the pressuring question "When are you guys going to have kids?" comes at me, I sound completely awkward trying to answer it... if you have asked me this question then you can attest to this. 

The truth is that this whole "kids" thing has been quite the mental, emotional, and spiritual journey for me. One that will take longer than you probably want to read in this here post, so to be continued... 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Alienation... Part 2



Over the last few weeks my pastor has been teaching through Luke 15. This chapter has the parables of the lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. If you aren't familiar with these stories, you can read the chapter pretty quickly here. It has been a really challenging few weeks for me. When looking at the Prodigal son parable, he pointed out that there are 2 ways to be alienated from God:

1. The first way is to go off and break all the rules. Basically a mindset of "show me the rules and I will break them." Blatant rebellion and disobedience.
2. The second is to make the rules your god. Basically a mindset of "show me the rules and I will keep them so well that I don't need a Savior."

The 2 sons are the example of the two ways to alienate yourself from God. I think there is much to learn from both, so I am going to share some key things that challenged me during these sermons. Here are a few key points that hit me about the second type of alienation:
  • Jesus tells these parables to the Pharisees because they were grumbling about Him eating with "sinners" and tax collectors. Its important to keep that in mind when thinking about this second son, because this is who he is modeled after- the Pharisees. 
  • The two brothers weren't that different. They wanted the same things, they just went about getting them differently. The younger brother demanded his inheritance and went and lived it up. The older brother wanted the Father's fattened calf etc, but tried to earn his way to it. 
  • Self-Righteous people (like the Older brother) are angry and resentful at themselves for not being good enough, at others for reminding them they are not good enough, and at God for not noticing how good they are. 
  • Religious people are joyless because they live their life in fear that they wont be good enough. 
  • Our salvation has not been earned at all by us... and that irritates us. We want to think we had some part in it. We don't want it to be all Jesus... but it is. I do not deserve salvation anymore than anyone else.... even those "really bad sinners". 
  • The parable leaves off without telling us if the older brother chooses to go in or not. I think Jesus did this on purpose to pose a question to the Pharisees. Will you rejoice that "sinners" are coming to the Lord?? Or will you pout outside because you think you deserve it more?? 
"I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." Luke 15:7



Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Alienation


Over the last few weeks my pastor has been teaching through Luke 15. This chapter has the parables of the lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. If you aren't familiar with these stories, you can read the chapter pretty quickly here. It has been a really challenging few weeks for me. When looking at the Prodigal son parable, he pointed out that there are 2 ways to be alienated from God:

1. The first way is to go off and break all the rules. Basically a mindset of "show me the rules and I will break them." Blatant rebellion and disobedience.
2. The second is to make the rules your god. Basically a mindset of "show me the rules and I will keep them so well that I don't need a Savior."

The 2 sons are the example of the two ways to alienate yourself from God. I think there is much to learn from both, so I am going to share some key things that challenged me during these sermons. Here are a few key points that hit me about the first type of alienation:

  • He pointed out that sin is often a good things turned into an ultimate thing. Exact words. I am studying thru "No Other Gods" again with my dgroup... apparently God is trying to teach me something about this whole making something good into something ultimate. (You can read here to see what I mean)
  • For the younger son, something became more important to him than the father. How true that can be on a daily basis in my own life, I make trivial worldly things more important than my Heavenly Father! 
  • By asking the father for his inheritance early, the younger son was, in essence, saying "I want you dead. Your stuff is way more important than you!" How often I basically say to God, "Forget you God, I want what you made not you!" My actions and choices each day scream this thought! 
  • Sin is wasteful. The younger son went off and wasted all that the father had given him. I had never even considered this. It wastes out time, energy, and our love. It wastes what could be used for God's glory. 


But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.        Luke 15:20-24


Praise the Lord that while we are a long way off (I know I often am) He has compassion on us!!





Saturday, May 8, 2010

Oh the places you will go!

Tonight I went to my 6th BCM Senior Banquet/Send Off. Yep 6th. Wow time flies! This was my first time being there and not being a student or staff member. Instead, I was just a guest.

This has been such an interesting year for me. A year ago, I was just beginning to "phase out" of the BCM.  The ministry had been my life for 8 years. I was both excited and sad. The students and new staff were beginning their plans for the next year, which is always an exciting time. I was beginning my search for a new career, which typically is not an exciting time!

Since then I have gone through 5 months of unemployment and 7 months of a new job. It has been quite the adjustment. I have learned so much about myself in the last year. It has been the hardest year for me Spiritually but probably the best as well. I went from full time ministry in my own job and ministering with my husband at church, to a full time office job and still ministering at church. I have had to adjust to a very set 8-4:30 Monday-Friday schedule. I have had to learn to make time to prepare for dgroup amidst my job, cooking & cleaning, family time, and youth ministry. I can no longer do this as part of my job, and that was a new thing for me.

My health has improved drastically, and I have more energy than I've had in years. We are no longer stressing over health insurance. My husband was able to quit working 80 hours a week to provide for us. I am home at night and able to have quality time with him. I have realized the world can revolved without me (I mean I never sat around and really thought I was mrs.everything, but I was used to be the person everyone depended on way too much). The Lord has shown me that I am not special and He can (and will) use anyone to do His ministry. And He has graciously shown me that though I am not special and He can use anyone, He chooses to love me unconditionally and desires to use me despite my failings. He is a good God.

A year from now I am sure I will be looking back to today having the same thought- wow time flies. Wow things change. I think thats why God created a universe that has orbiting planets and made the Earth spin... to show us life constantly goes. But He, and He alone, never changes. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8.

At least something in my life is stable, right?!