Working it Out

I made it through week one of working part-time. I have one more week of part-time and then I am back to the full-time daily grind. So far I have been a hot mess! I cried everyday except Friday. In fact, I was so upset over all of it that my dad was worried I was dealing with PPD.

BUT I am doing much better I think. I have been thinking about it all a lot, and praying a bunch. And I am starting to feel ok with it all. Here are the things I have been struggling with:

- One of the biggest things I think I was struggling with was the fear that Griffin would like the babysitter better than me, or that we would not have as close of a bond as stay at home moms have with their kids. I just felt like I wouldn't know him best. And I want to know him better than anyone... But the thing is I am his momma. Only me. And he and I were literally inseparable for almost ten months. He likes me so much he wanted to stay in for two extra weeks! I just have to know and trust that the Lord made me Griffin's mom and Griffin will always know that. Apparently this is a normal fear?

- Many of my friends stay at home with their kids. I think I have really been struggling with feeling like I must not care as much for Griffin if I was not willing to quit my job to be home with him. So often people say that anyone can stay home if they are willing to sacrifice. But for us the only way I can stay home is for Mr.Pate to completely change jobs. 1. Getting a job that doubles your salary is not something you can do with a snap of the fingers. 2. We love our church and feel very called there. I need to quit comparing.

- I have also struggled with feeling like it is more godly for the woman to stay home, so I have felt mad that I can't stay home. But this is just dumb. Working isn't wrong and neither is staying home. The Lord directs our paths, and everyones journey is different. One is not more spiritual than the other. Now I do believe my main role from the Lord is to be a wife and mom, and those roles should be my top priorities. But for our journey right now, we need me to work to be a good wife and mother.

- I have just struggled with wanting to stay home but not being able to and feeling like it's not fair. Woe is me- I have a great job that is not hard or burdensome and is with great people. Some people cannot afford to feed their families, poor me for having to work. Basically I have been almost pouting because I can't have what I want. There are people who can't even have children, and they would be thrilled to have a few hours in the morning and at night with their own child.

It's all in our perspective. I would love to stay home, but since that is not feasible right now I need to choose to joy anyhow. Talking to my friend about this, she said "don't we have to choose to be happy sometimes?" And it's true. My husband deserves a wife that is rejoicing in this fun new season of our family, not one who is whining. The Lord knows the desire of my heart and will always lead me where I need to go. For now I am clinging to Paul's words in Phil 4:11-13

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.
13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Please continue praying that I will have a content heart in all aspects of my
Life!

- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Did you miss him?

I haven't posted pics of my boy in a few days, did you miss him? Ha!












- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Day Two

Well I just dropped the boy off for the 2nd time and I am walking into work (forgot how much I hate parking at wku, it's like a five minute walk to my building! Ugh). I cried a lot yesterday. It's not the actual being away from him, it's the knowing that I have to do this five days out of the seven in a week. Everyone says it gets easier. I only missed four hours yesterday and I felt like I missed most of his day! Ugh! Thankfully I have a good job with great people, but it's not the job I really want to be doing! I wish I had like four months of maternity leave!!


- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Attention Working Moms!

So I return to work on Monday. I get to do part time for two weeks, so that's a blessing. But I am bummed. I do not want to leave my boy.

Moms that work outside of the home, how do you make it through? Do you feel like you have no time with the kid? Do you feel like you spend all your time at night getting everything ready for the next day?

I am in need of lots of encouragement. I feel like everywhere I look people are stay at home moms. I feel like I am going to miss everything and he will barely know me! I feel like we will have no time with him because we won't get home until basically 5 and he will go to bed so early anyhow. Will it feel like that?? Ugh!!! And the thing is, I have been crunching numbers like crazy, but there is just no way.

I have got to get a better attitude about this and stat! Any advice?


- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Follow up eval

(written on Tuesday)

So today we had a follow up lactation evaluation to see how things are going and help prepare me to return to work. Griffin weighs 10 lb 3 oz now! Nursing has gotten so much better. Griffin still pulls off a lot and cries some, but typically we don't have screaming sessions anymore. The lactation consultant today thought he may he showing signs of reflux. He using spits up after every feeding, and she said his fussiness and fighting to go back on the breast might be indicators. So she suggested we go see the doctor for meds.

So we went back to see Dr. Fraser today. This is our third time to see him. I tried to tell him I am not a hypochondriac who will be in every week, haha! He does not think Griff has reflux and was annoyed that the lactation consultant worried me. He said the medicine really only helps with the burning in the esophagus and gives relief to babies who are very unhappy. Griffin is generally a very happy baby and does not fuss more than any normal baby. So he really advised me to just keep the nursing up, and to sit Griffin up for 20 minutes after eating. He said he will get better soon.

He has now spit up down my underwear and my bra, so I hope so! Haha! Motherhood is so glam.

And so the nursing saga continues...

- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

One Month!

Griffin is 1 Month Old! 

I cannot believe it! Happy One Month Buddy! Here is a picture from the day we brought him home from the hospital (so 2 weeks old):

And some from our photo session today: 

One Month Stats:
- Griffin prob weighs in at ten lbs now, he was 9 lbs 10 oz a week ago.
- He is wearing newborn clothes and some 0-3 month clothes. The 0-3 month clothes fit lengthwise but are kinda big width wise.
- We are still nursing so far!
- Griffin is usually on a 3 hr schedule. So he wakes up and eats, then has "waketime" then takes usually two short naps with a waketime in between.
- He usually has one or two 4 hr stretches at night, then the rest are 3 hr. I am not going to complain about that! Hoping for a 5 hr stretch when I go back to work though.
- He has just started smiling and kinda laughing this week. It is the cutest thing ever! When you get close to his face so he can see you, he gets so excited. Precious!
- He always falls asleep in the car.
- Usually you can put Griffin in his crib or rock'n'play and he will go to sleep. Not always, but usually.
- He hates tummy time. But he is starting to like his playmat.

I cannot believe I have a one month old son. This has been one crazy month and I am just now starting to deal with how I feel about how everything played out at the beginning. And once we got home, I was definitely overwhelmed with having a newborn at first, but I am feeling much better now. The weepiness has gone away! Hurray! I know Mr.Pate is thrilled about that. I am growing and learning as a mom and feeling much better about the role. I still have lots of moments where I have no idea why he is crying or how to console him, and I hate those moments. But I guess I just need to get used to it. I think the hardest part for me has been giving up control. I am such a planner and control freak, so God is really using this to show me how not-in-control I am. Learning lessons is no fun.

I love my son and I am so glad to be on this journey! It is a hard one and sometimes I do wonder why we ever got ourselves into this, but he is such a blessing and i wouldnt trade him for the world!

Character vs Rules

My friend Regina had a great post today, and I want to share quote from it:

"I worry that many young parents are a) too adamant about the particulars of their parenting or b) too sure that every decision will set their kids on an unalterable trajectory to heaven or hell. It's like my secretary at church once told me: "Most moms and dads think they are either the best or the worst parents in the world, and both are wrong." Could it be we've made parenting too complicated? Isn't the most important thing not what we do but who we are as parents? They will see our character before they remember our exact rules regarding television or Twinkie."

Taken from Parenting 001.

That last sentence really hits me. That is what I want to daily remember during this journey!


- Mrs.Pate via my iPhone

Baby, baby, baby ohhh....

Yep, this time around I am using good ol Justin Bieber to announce that Baby Pate is coming in July!

Thats right, I am pregnant! Surprise! I am 10 weeks preggo and sleeping ALL.THE.TIME. But I havent really been sick, so that is FABULOUS! Anyhow I have all kinds of posts about the matter to share with you soon, but I wanted to go ahead and share the happy news tonight.

So are you surprised, not so much, could actually care less?? Do tell!

Baby, baby, baby ohhh.... babytalk

Just a little treat for you! Haha!

So I have been promising another post on this whole baby topic... guess today is the day to share. I have already mentioned on here that I believe this is the weirdest phase of my life. So here is where my head is right now:

• First let me say I am not pregnant. Now you dont have to wonder. 
• I am having a growing desire to be pregnant. I totally idealize it though, and from what all the preggo people I have ever known tell me, I am sure I am in for a rude awakening. But I think pregnant women are cute. And I love the bump. And most days I want to have a bump... one because of a human not food! Haha! 
• That being said I still have plenty of days where I am totally content with the phase we are in (just the 2 of us). I have not reached that "I am brokenhearted over not having a child" phase yet, and from the people I know who have experienced that pain first hand I am thanking the Lord that I am not there yet. I know some women who have gone through some dark and sad times because of infertility etc, so I am not saying that lightly at all. 
• I do find myself fearing that I am not able to have kids. I guess you could label us "trying", because we arent "not trying". So then the question is always in the back of my head, what if I am one of those people who cant have kids. It still baffles me because for so long that thought never comes into your head- we assume we would be a baby making machines and spend our time worrying about how to prevent that. This is a whole new thought world for me. I mean how long do you "try" before you decide you cant? I am not saying I cant have babies, again we havent overly tried. We are just letting God do his thing... 
• It is soooo hard to just trust God's timing when it is your body that is directly related to it. 
• I mostly want to have a child right now, although that thought scares me. But I am trying desperately to just enjoy the phase God has me in. I always teach my girls that we spend so much of our lives wishing we were in the next stage, and then looking back and wishing we had enjoyed the last stage more. I want to just enjoy the unique time I am in. Mr.Pate and I have freedom to invest in our youth group, to focus on one another and to focus on our individual interests. I know that children change all of those things.
•  I want to just be completely content with whatever plan the Lord has for me, whether that is having a kid tomorrow, adopting 5 kids next year or spending our whole lives investing in other people's kids and never having any to call our own. But discerning the Lord's will is not an easy task. And waiting for His prompting is a daily battle. 
• Especially when you feel like everyone else is moving to a different stage. Because then the worrying questions come: is my body broken? are we being selfish? did we miss his plan for us? etc etc etc. 

"Be still, and know that I am God" Ps. 46:10

oddity

I left off the last post saying that I find the question "when are you going to have kids?" odd. Why?

1. Its the only time when people are socially allowed to ask about your sex life without it being considered awkward or crude. (For the record, I dont really mind talking about sex, I think its a great and natural thing. But typically its not ok to talk about sex openly in casual convo)
2. I think it is the oddest thing ever the way we "plan" our families. We even have centers with the title "family planning". We decide when we will have children, how many we will have, if we will keep them once they are conceived, etc. I am not trying to judge people that have in mind how many children they want, because really thats a learned behavior from our society at large (the sociologist in me is bursting out! haha). Thats not an evil thing. But it strikes me as odd. I have had this type of thinking before too- but it is funny to me that I would not plan what job I would have without the Lord's guidance but I did come up with a random number of how many children I thought was ok for my family. It is just a strange custom we have created here. 
3. The Lord and I have been talking alot about how much I trust Him. I think this is one area where I have failed miserably to trust Him in some ways, and I am totally lost on how to show I trust Him in other ways. Is it not leaving it "in the Lord's hands" if you count days for fertility? The Lord did set this whole creating-a-human-thing up on a system- there is a cycle and certain times that the body can conceive etc. So is it trusting Him to try and count and be intentional with the days etc, or is that trying to manipulate and bring about your own desire? I remember being in college and having to learn that I needed to let God direct my love life- not manipulate situations and try to "put myself out there" so to speak. That was hard for me- I had been manipulating situations since I was in Kindergarten. So where does that principle fit in with the having a kid process?? 
4. I realize that some or many of you may be reading this and thinking "just let it happen and quit over thinking this thing girl, people have babies everyday." But this new phase of life where I actually think of having kids is a strange thing, and it makes me realize more than ever that I really was trusting my own plan in the past. Over the last 4 & 1/2 years, I never wondered if I was pregnant (maybe there was a month or two where the question arose for a day or so). That shows me that I really wasnt believing what I was saying ("whatever the Lord wants for my family"). Now that we quit all forms of "preventing" I realize that we really are open to whatever the Lord has for us- and that is freakin scary! 
5. Note: I am really not at all saying that if you are preventing in any way that you are not open to what the Lord has planned for you. This is not a legalistic thing and it is not a command straight from the Word. I am sharing the journey of my heart on this issue- please do not feel judged for whatever your situation is bc I am in no place whatsoever to judge in any department and I am just not about making others feel bad for something. The Lord knows that we Christians through out judgement way to much on kid issues: staying at home or working, breast feeding or formula, cloth or disposable, crying it out or soothing, blah blah blah. Just seek the Lord and do your freakin best, forget our stupid standards. Ok sorry for the soapbox, but the last thing I want is for someone to read this and walk away feeling judged or condemned. ; ) 
6. So the main reason I find the question "When are you going to have kids?" so odd is because I have no clue how to answer! There are so many issues and thoughts going on inside my head about this subject, and I think that shows through when I try to answer the simple question. But I suppose I am odd in all kinds of ways, so maybe people are used to it?? Haha! 

Ok, so now that I have gone on and on about the having kids topic (did you get bored- do you hate me know?) its your turn to talk to me: 

Have any of you had these thoughts? 

What is your stance on this stuff? 

Any wisdom or advice to share from those who have been here before?? 

cause when your 15....

When most girls are young it just seems natural that you will grow up and have babies. We play with dolls, we spend lots of time with our mommies, we learn how to babysit, etc. We are geared for it. But at some point that idea becomes a bit more real. We get to the age where we are capable of having children, and suddenly the thoughts are more about the dangers of sex as a teen and "ruining" your future by getting pregnant too early (Disclaimer, I am not pro- teenage pregnancy). Then you come to the age where you could have a child and it wouldnt be life ending, but all of the sudden you are thinking about your future job etc. and children seem like something of the future. 

When I first got married I felt so unprepared to be a parent. I was still trying to learn all about this whole "being a wife" thing and I felt sooo young. I had plenty of time to have children, right?? 

We made the decision to use birth control, which is the normal for young married couples in America.  I kept telling myself that I trusted God's timing and control- if He wanted me to get pregnant then it wouldnt matter if I was on birth control or not. Somewhere along the last 4 & 1/2 years, I have really questioned this decision for me. While some people might whole-heartedly believe the sentence above, I think I wanted to be in control of my life and thats why I was taking it (This is not a post on if it is right or wrong to take birth control- I mean I took it for 4 years people, this is just about my journey). 

Something about marriage makes me feel super young and super old at the same time. I still feel like we are young and have plenty of time to have kids. But I am 27 (I realize thats not old people), which means that if I were to get pregnant today, I would be 41 when my kid became a teenager. I was graduating high school when my mom was 41. So when I look at it that way, I feel like we dont have all the time in the world. Time is a strange concept to grasp really. 

Over the years I have had all kinds of thoughts and emotions about kids: fear, anxiety, excitement, the desire to have a kid, the desire to still have my own life, will we be able to afford a kid, will I work, will my maternal gene kick in, am I cut out for this, etc etc. The thoughts that come along with kids are overwhelming really. 

Then I got "sick" so to speak. Once we found out I had thyroid cancer, I had an "out" on the kid thing for at least a year. I had to have a radioactive iodine treatment, and radioactive material and fetuses dont mix well. No one asked me if I was going to have a child during that year, it was as if they knew. Then there was the business of getting my hormones regulated and figuring out that I was insulin resistant. I got pretty plump and was exhausted and needed to get my body in check badly. Praise be to God- that has happened by His grace! 

And so here I am, after a 3 year health journey, back to my "normal". And I have found myself pondering the child question alot. This is the first year of my life where people have asked me when I was going to have a child. To me it is an odd question for several reasons... which will be the next post I suppose. 

the great divide

I am 27. I am married. I own a home (well I pay the state of KY who really owns it, but in a manner of speaking I own it). I have a dog. I have a cat. I am pretty healthy. I have a great job with good benefits.  What do all these facts show you? That the next step in life for me is to have children. 

Thats the way it typically works here in the good ol US of A. We plan our lives out. We have certain stages people are supposed to go through. (Please note, I realize this is not everyone, by this is a social norm in our society as a whole) Once you are married, have a house and are steady in your job then it is time for you to have children. Thats how it works.

Some people even judge those that have children out of order. "You are having a kid 6 months into marriage? That is going to ruin your marriage, dont you know that?" or "They should have waited till they were more financially stable before they started having children." We love to play judge in this society. And so when people have children too early, we treat the act as wrong. We act as if children are a horrid thing. 

What about the couples that wait a long while to have kids? We treat them like they are selfish. "Life really shouldnt be all about you" or "They are chasing after their career and missing out on what matters." Again, that may be totally true of some people, but on average our society judges them before they even know their situation just because they have not followed the appropriate timeline. 

Having children is a topic that surrounds me today. Thats the stage of life I am in. Majority of the people my age have married (or found the person they are sticking with), settled into jobs, and bought homes. We are all supposed to be on step 4- kids. As I have mentioned before, I know a million people having babies or who have newborn babies. Every time I turn around there is another one, seriously. 

There is a great divide. You are either on the "i have kids side- or I am trying real hard at least" or the "no kids side". 

And I am not annoyed by this, I love children. Right now I have two beautiful girls sleeping soundly in the next room (My nieces are staying for the weekend), they are a joy. I enjoy hearing all about pregnancy, in fact I have a strange little obsession with preggo ladies. They are the cutest! My husband is basically a "child whisper", they flock to him. We are pro kiddos in the Pate house. 

But we dont have any kiddos in the Pate house. 

We are not against having kids, but also are not counting days and trying every "trick" out there to help the process. We are a happily married couple doing things that happily married couples do ! So when the pressuring question "When are you guys going to have kids?" comes at me, I sound completely awkward trying to answer it... if you have asked me this question then you can attest to this. 

The truth is that this whole "kids" thing has been quite the mental, emotional, and spiritual journey for me. One that will take longer than you probably want to read in this here post, so to be continued...