i am such a slow starter

you know how people always ask in interview "are you a self starter?"?? i would usually say yes to this question. however today i realize that the answer is prob no... kinda... maybe?

once i get going i am a self starter. is that possible?? here lately i have just noticed in myself that i really put off life. i dont really mean procrastinating, i just mean doing life period. i am freeze up in the mornings and dont want to face the day. i dont want to work or see people or do any kind of responsibility. so i freeze... mope... stall... whatever you want to call it.

but then when i finally get my feet on the ground, they hit the ground running. from the outside looking in, most people would call me a hard worker and self starter. they dont get to see the stalling... the hesitation.

so now that i have noticed this i am just wondering why?? why do i do this??

now i feel i should let you know this is not an everyday occurrence. just every couple of days or weeks. but nonetheless, some days i just wake up and dont want to face my life.

does everyone do this? is everyone else just better at pushing past this or sucking it up? this is my question-- anyone got an answer??

some things floating inside my head...

i have always struggled with thinking other people's lives are better or easier than mine. but lately i have noticed how much everyone seems to do this. we always try to make it sound like we had the worst time doing such and such, or that we have the hardest time financially or with dating or with jobs etc etc. It seems like we are always trying to compete with each other on who has it harder!

people with kids especially seem to do this.

anyhow, the question is WHY?? why do we do this?

its like we are always longing for something to be better than it is. no matter how great our life is, its not enough. sure my marriage is great, but my job isnt as good as yours. or sure i have lots of great friends, but i dont have a relationship with someone who loves me like you do. or sure i have a great family, but i am never as healthy as you etc etc.

it is sooo annoying. i get so annoyed when people do this. but as they say "the thing that annoys you the most in others is the thing that annoys you the most about yourself". i do this. consistently. without noticing actually. but why????

maybe it is our need for the gospel showing up in us. we will never be complete in this world. so no matter how good things are, we will long for more. and though it feels like we will never get more- eternity with Christ will be where we finally stop longing and start fully living.

doesnt that sound wierd? that we will finally start living in our afterlife... but it is my reality. and i see the evidence for it everyday in how we long for more no matter how great our lives are. now i am not talking about longing for bad situations in life to be better... i am talking about the things in our lives that are great- and yet we still think others have it better. they have to, bc there has to be something better than this... yes even than this.

a verse my husband always goes back to seems so real right now.. "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Eccl. 3:11

wet dogs and lost keys...

something in particular that is new this week? we are dog sitting for some friends. two dogs and one cat sitting to be exact. and when i say we, i really mean I am doing this twice a day and Justin and I are doing this once a day. oh joy.

so each morning i have to go over and take the dogs for a walk, then feed them. then i go in the middle of the day and walk them again and give them some loving. then we go for a longer length of time at night and chill (they have cable!). they are cute but one has a huge licking issue-- as in she likes to lick my arms, icky! the other one makes a pig noise that i love!

yesterday afternoon i was walking the dogs and apparently i dropped my keys. once we got back home and inside i realized i couldnt find them and had to walk all the way back to the farthest spot we went to find them laying in the street! i am a mess with dogs! must be why i prefer cats.

today it is raining. i had to walk dogs in the rain. yuck! luckily i thought of this as i was putting on a white shirt this morning and decided to change!! so we get back in the house and then two very wet dogs want me to love all over them! they didnt seem to care at all that they smelled like gross wet dogs! oh the joy.

the cool news about this all (other than the free cable)? our van (that parents from our church totally gave us free! what a blessing!) had an issue this week. the ignition lock decided to quit turning, so we couldnt start the van. but we got it fixed for exactly the amount we got paid to dog sit!

The Lord really does provide in His perfect time and way. And I apparently needed to learn how to be patient with animals.

an attempt at what is new...

I feel like most people update their blogs with new things going on in their lives. At least those are the blogs I love the most. I am not real into the "send a deep philosophical question out into the vast internet world", though I think for some they are great. But the blogs that I go back to everyday hoping to see an update, are just the everyday blogs. Why am I so enamored with what peoples lives are like? I have no idea, but anthropology and sociology were my majors (so obviously I like observing human life for some strange reason).

All that to say, I want to attempt to be the type of blogger I love so much. But when I try to think of whats going on in life it always seems so normal and 'same o same o'. I will give it my best.

Lately, Justin and I's lives consists of alot of work. Justin now has three jobs: youth pastor at Smiths Grove Baptist, Starbucks, and a Special Ed Assistant at North Warren Elementary. He is a busy busy man. I only have one job, the BCM, but sometimes it can feel like 10 jobs! hehe! The funny thing is in the midst of what should be the busiest season in our lives thus far, we have really gotten into a schedule of sorts! I think this is bc we have to in order to see each other maybe?

So mostly here is my weekly night life (please dont get too bored on me): mondays we eat dinner at home with dustin, watch some sort of tv or play the wii and just enjoy each other, tuesdays justin works at starbucks till close and i have 180, wednesdays we go to dustins for dinner then church then i lead a dgroup, thursdays are varied but usually we have some sort of date night, and the weekends are filled with starbucks, BCM or church events, family and friends.

there are the basics...

a rant...

well where have i been for the past two months basically?

i have been doing life. you know, buying a house, working, cooking, cleaning, seeing family and friends, going crazy! hehe! and i am totally wondering- how do people keep up with this whole blogging thing??

so lately i have been wanting more than ever to save save save money. but kinda in a good way, and kinda not in a good way. see i have started following this one blog that is called moneysavingmom.com. and its a good blog. but its like a whole new subculture.

you see the blog is all about finding the best deals around, you know being frugal. and i think thats a great aspiration. especially with today's economy. but you see, if you look at who posts on this blog, its like there are a million of these blogs! and they are all centered around being a mom and being thrifty. interesting.

so anyhow- yesterday someone posted on there how they save money by not having cable. now anyone who knows me knows i dont have cable or Internet and i do save quite a bit of money by this choice. however, someday i do hope to have them- i like them. i dont think its a crime (although i am not that well versed on the new code of good Christians in the 2000s...).

but then all this "i am super religious because i dont have cable" fluff followed. all these people posted about how they were making the best choice ever- that they were focused on their family and saving money and being productive and being pure etc etc etc.

this totally angers me!! i mean i am not like a huge tv advocate or anything at all... but why have we become the pharisees all over again?? did Paul not say that we are free??

"7But not everyone knows this. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that when they eat such food they think of it as having been sacrificed to an idol, and since their conscience is weak, it is defiled. 8But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do." 1 Corinthians 8:7-8

"3This is my defense to those who sit in judgment on me. 4Don't we have the right to food and drink?" 1 Corinthians 9:3-4

Basically I am trying to say that God desires for us to be free indeed! and that He desires for us to live in the time and culture that He created us for. If I delight in resting by weeping with those who weep in some sappy show, my Father in heaven does not look down on me for not checking ten other things off my to do list. He rejoices that I can love people like He designed me to.

Now I get that there is filth on TV. I do. And I am not saying go watch a bunch of gross junk. I am not condoning the people that sit all day and waste their brains away. But i am saying that when Christians get on a religious soap box about being holier than thou by not watching tv we sound an awful lot like the pharisees that spent so much time trying to trick Jesus into thinking they were perfect.

let us live as children of God... children who are free indeed... children that delight in the Fathers love- not trying to earn it.