Just a little treat for you! Haha!
So I have been promising another post on this whole baby topic... guess today is the day to share. I have already mentioned on here that I believe this is the weirdest phase of my life. So here is where my head is right now:
- First let me say I am not pregnant. Now you dont have to wonder.
- I am having a growing desire to be pregnant. I totally idealize it though, and from what all the preggo people I have ever known tell me, I am sure I am in for a rude awakening. But I think pregnant women are cute. And I love the bump. And most days I want to have a bump... one because of a human not food! Haha!
- That being said I still have plenty of days where I am totally content with the phase we are in (just the 2 of us). I have not reached that "I am brokenhearted over not having a child" phase yet, and from the people I know who have experienced that pain first hand I am thanking the Lord that I am not there yet. I know some women who have gone through some dark and sad times because of infertility etc, so I am not saying that lightly at all.
- I do find myself fearing that I am not able to have kids. I guess you could label us "trying", because we arent "not trying". So then the question is always in the back of my head, what if I am one of those people who cant have kids. It still baffles me because for so long that thought never comes into your head- we assume we would be a baby making machines and spend our time worrying about how to prevent that. This is a whole new thought world for me. I mean how long do you "try" before you decide you cant? I am not saying I cant have babies, again we havent overly tried. We are just letting God do his thing...
- It is soooo hard to just trust God's timing when it is your body that is directly related to it.
- I mostly want to have a child right now, although that thought scares me. But I am trying desperately to just enjoy the phase God has me in. I always teach my girls that we spend so much of our lives wishing we were in the next stage, and then looking back and wishing we had enjoyed the last stage more. I want to just enjoy the unique time I am in. Mr.Pate and I have freedom to invest in our youth group, to focus on one another and to focus on our individual interests. I know that children change all of those things.
- I want to just be completely content with whatever plan the Lord has for me, whether that is having a kid tomorrow, adopting 5 kids next year or spending our whole lives investing in other people's kids and never having any to call our own. But discerning the Lord's will is not an easy task. And waiting for His prompting is a daily battle.
- Especially when you feel like everyone else is moving to a different stage. Because then the worrying questions come: is my body broken? are we being selfish? did we miss his plan for us? etc etc etc.
"Be still, and know that I am God" Ps. 46:10
thanks for sharing more on this :) i am not yet at the "mostly want to have a child" stage...i still mostly want to not have a child, but for the first time since i got sick hubs & i actually talked about time frames recently. not that talking about it cements anything, but it was a conversation that did not go "kids scare the crap out of me....let's breed bulldogs instead" ;)
ReplyDeletei like that you are in this awkward phase of life too, even though you are a few steps closer to the "other side" and i understand the fear of not being able to have kids...i've thought of that a lot since my health problems started. praise the Lord that he knows his plans for us!!
love you dear!
Hmm... I SO wish I was in the BG right now and I could get your thoughts on these types of things. We are definitely not in the stage of wanting kids (hello... have to learn a new language) but I often have the same thoughts thinking that maybe someday down the road when we want kids then there is always the possibility that we won't be able to. Your faith in these situations is encouraging!
ReplyDeletePS- I loved the music video. R and I heard that song in a coffee house here and have been singing it since... HAHA! I also met a Chinese girl named Sabrina tonight. It made me miss you!
I think every woman has fears of not being able to have a baby. When Adam and I first starred dating, I shared with him that doctors told me I wouldn't have children and that if I did it would be incredibly difficult. And then I told him of my desire to adopt regardless. Y'all, we never expected to find out that we were expecting 8 months into marriage!! We are so so thankful that God's timing and plans are perfect. And the same is true for each of you!! But I will just echo the "enjoy the stage you are in now" thing! I love love love my baby girl but I do miss being able to do whatever I want with my hubs whenever I want!
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