cause when your 15....

When most girls are young it just seems natural that you will grow up and have babies. We play with dolls, we spend lots of time with our mommies, we learn how to babysit, etc. We are geared for it. But at some point that idea becomes a bit more real. We get to the age where we are capable of having children, and suddenly the thoughts are more about the dangers of sex as a teen and "ruining" your future by getting pregnant too early (Disclaimer, I am not pro- teenage pregnancy). Then you come to the age where you could have a child and it wouldnt be life ending, but all of the sudden you are thinking about your future job etc. and children seem like something of the future. 

When I first got married I felt so unprepared to be a parent. I was still trying to learn all about this whole "being a wife" thing and I felt sooo young. I had plenty of time to have children, right?? 

We made the decision to use birth control, which is the normal for young married couples in America.  I kept telling myself that I trusted God's timing and control- if He wanted me to get pregnant then it wouldnt matter if I was on birth control or not. Somewhere along the last 4 & 1/2 years, I have really questioned this decision for me. While some people might whole-heartedly believe the sentence above, I think I wanted to be in control of my life and thats why I was taking it (This is not a post on if it is right or wrong to take birth control- I mean I took it for 4 years people, this is just about my journey). 

Something about marriage makes me feel super young and super old at the same time. I still feel like we are young and have plenty of time to have kids. But I am 27 (I realize thats not old people), which means that if I were to get pregnant today, I would be 41 when my kid became a teenager. I was graduating high school when my mom was 41. So when I look at it that way, I feel like we dont have all the time in the world. Time is a strange concept to grasp really. 

Over the years I have had all kinds of thoughts and emotions about kids: fear, anxiety, excitement, the desire to have a kid, the desire to still have my own life, will we be able to afford a kid, will I work, will my maternal gene kick in, am I cut out for this, etc etc. The thoughts that come along with kids are overwhelming really. 

Then I got "sick" so to speak. Once we found out I had thyroid cancer, I had an "out" on the kid thing for at least a year. I had to have a radioactive iodine treatment, and radioactive material and fetuses dont mix well. No one asked me if I was going to have a child during that year, it was as if they knew. Then there was the business of getting my hormones regulated and figuring out that I was insulin resistant. I got pretty plump and was exhausted and needed to get my body in check badly. Praise be to God- that has happened by His grace! 

And so here I am, after a 3 year health journey, back to my "normal". And I have found myself pondering the child question alot. This is the first year of my life where people have asked me when I was going to have a child. To me it is an odd question for several reasons... which will be the next post I suppose.